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Twitter Time Again!
#11
(to an archaeologist) so how long have you been dating?

* * *
Satan, why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok, idiot.

* * *
MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol
BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever, plus the king stole our best goat.
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
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#12
I almost hate to give this one up, but I actually heard this in a flea market in a neighboring town I visit from time to time:

"I would never have gotten in to collecting anvils if I'd known we were going to move so often."

Could it actually be original?! BTW, I do not twitter.
You are the wind beneath my wings, otherwise known as turbulence.
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#13
Here are 24 pages of some of the funniest tweets I have ever read.  Do yourself a favor & click through some or most or all of them.
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
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#14
My dentist asked his assistant to suction (the water out of my mouth) but I thought he was talking to me so I sucked his finger. I'm mortified. 


Tweets don't get any funnier than that!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I don't answer when you talk to me or about me, that's likely because I have you on ignore.  Try to PM me. It won't let you PM me if I have you on ignore. There are other people, not members, who peruse this site. I want THEM to know why I don't reply to everyone who talks to or about me.
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#15
"I've been making a chicken pot pie all day.  My husband got home, finished his meal and said, "Don't buy this anymore."
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 1 user Likes rockchalker52's post:
  • Riverdrifter
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#16
A good tweet is hard to find, but here are three that made the grade for me:

* * *
"oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol"
-giraffe in quicksand

* * *
Something you can say either at a funeral or during sex:
I'm sorry.  Were you close?

* * *
At my funeral I want the organist to play 'Pop Goes the Weasel' really slowly 
until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread.
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
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#17
It is perfectly acceptable to stare at any species through binoculars except my own.

* * *
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps

* * *
[kids party]
"This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year"
Dad no
"That's.."
Please no dad
"..Inflation for you"
*kids start crying*

* * *
BOSS: I hate "yes men."
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They're the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

* * *
BARTENDER: *cleaning a mug* what'll it be?
ME: something cold
BARTENDER: your girlfriend thinks about your brother when you're having sex.

* * *
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
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#18
The ones I got are very funny. What isn't funny is how many I didn't get!   Big Grin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I don't answer when you talk to me or about me, that's likely because I have you on ignore.  Try to PM me. It won't let you PM me if I have you on ignore. There are other people, not members, who peruse this site. I want THEM to know why I don't reply to everyone who talks to or about me.
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#19
Tweet yourself to some laughs:


* * *
I'm quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi "Maybe Stop Leaf Blowing Everything Into Our Driveway, Brent."

* * *
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

* * *
[my wife to everyone at the pool party]     'Please don't tell him, he's never known the truth.'
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board]  'CABIN BALL!'
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
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#20
Jeebus...I hate these endless copy-pastas. Just a little bit goes a long way.
"you can give-up, give-in, or you can give it all ya' got!"
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