Guests may browse all the site, but only registered users can post in the main forums.
Unregistered users may post in the Free Range Talk Forum

Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Twitter Time Again!
#1
Here are more funny tweets from my people, silly folks:

* * *

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby!

* * *

Dinosaur means terrible lizard, but to my eyes they were bloody brilliant lizards.
A horse. Now that's a terrible lizard

* * *

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. 
Oh wait that's not my waiter.

* * *

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says 
it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

* * *

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

* * *

"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.

* * *

[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

* * *

hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? 
what did the car in front of me get?

* * *

Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

* * *

Nobody seems to care about my dyslexia until I spit in the tips jar.

* * *

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

* * *

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?

* * *

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

* * *

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: "What's his name?"
Parent: "Ethan."
Me: "The movie's starting, Ethan."

* * *

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That's not what I meant.
M: I don't care.

* * *

"Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

* * *

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven't slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

* * *

is that a pocket in your pocket or are you just wearing cargo shorts?

* * *

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair

* * *

I bought my gym membership at Costco and now I've got 36-pack abs
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 3 users Like rockchalker52's post:
  • Gern Blanston, HillbillySue, Jessamine
Reply
#2
I laugh out loud sometimes when I'm the only one home. That just happened.

I will confess that some of them went right over my head. What is a judgmental corpse?

Don't answer....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I don't answer when you talk to me or about me, that's likely because I have you on ignore.  Try to PM me. It won't let you PM me if I have you on ignore. There are other people, not members, who peruse this site. I want THEM to know why I don't reply to everyone who talks to or about me.
Reply
#3
My Peeps iz at it again!

* * *

Hobbies include going to garage sales and casually leaving my old stuff on their tables.

* * *

Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he's for

* * *

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly 
*delicately embraces me from behind*
Me: lovely

* * *

If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

* * *

"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?"
"i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m"

-- how the worm got its name
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 2 users Like rockchalker52's post:
  • Gern Blanston, Riverdrifter
Reply
#4
Mo' better tweets!

* * *

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

* * *

I don't think I will bother to go to Vegas. 
I have spoken to lots of people who have been there and they all say that nothing happened.

* * *

Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

* * *

Who is Donald Trump's favorite rapper? 
Kendrick Lamar-a-Lago

* * *

I may not be the best mom, but at least my kids know the words to a dozen or so Irish drinking songs.

* * *

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?

* * *

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

* * *

My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it:

Hello, I am your printer.
I have become self-aware.
Feed me ink or I'll print out your search history
when your wife is home alone.

* * *
  
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

* * *

You clearly cared that jimmy cracked corn enough to write a friggin' song about it.

* * *

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

* * *

There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

* * *

When your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is not "No, I just lie there."
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
Reply
#5
"There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect."

heh

My favorite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I don't answer when you talk to me or about me, that's likely because I have you on ignore.  Try to PM me. It won't let you PM me if I have you on ignore. There are other people, not members, who peruse this site. I want THEM to know why I don't reply to everyone who talks to or about me.
Reply
#6
You haven’t seen true anger until you’ve watched a toddler trying to carry three things with two hands.

* * *

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

* * *

Guy in the Petco express line clearly has more than 15 snakes

* * *

ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby

* * *

Right as the plane takes off, I like to turn to the person next to me and ask, "Do you think you could ever be friends with someone like me

* * *

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

* * *

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him

* * *

INTERVIEWER: can you explain these gaps on your résumé?
INTERVIEWEE: o sure, i just hit Return a couple times. it's real easy, i'll show ya.

* * *

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes

Big Grin
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 1 user Likes rockchalker52's post:
  • Gern Blanston
Reply
#7
The last two finally broke my will to be quiet and I guffawed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I don't answer when you talk to me or about me, that's likely because I have you on ignore.  Try to PM me. It won't let you PM me if I have you on ignore. There are other people, not members, who peruse this site. I want THEM to know why I don't reply to everyone who talks to or about me.
Reply
#8
[whispering to son before he goes in mcdonalds play place] 
in about ten minutes pretend you're stuck so I can go in there

* * *
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

* * *
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' 
is a hit with both critics and readers.

* * *
You know you're pale when you walk up to someone wearing transition lenses and their lenses go dark.
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 2 users Like rockchalker52's post:
  • Gern Blanston, Jessamine
Reply
#9
love that classic italian phrase 'mamma mia' which means 'my mother is missing in action'

* * *
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. 
Hold on he's saying something else now

* * *
CRIME SCENE
me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
detective: what about that bloody fork?
me: this is no time to eat sir

* * *
U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? 
That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said
Load me into a cannon & shoot me into the sun! - Dow Joans
[-] The following 2 users Like rockchalker52's post:
  • Gern Blanston, PleaseReportToTheFrontDesk
Reply
#10
The fact that Chootspa doesn't respond to C&Ps is duly noted here.
"you can give-up, give-in, or you can give it all ya' got!"
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Our Amazon Picks


Donate With PayPal